lovaliss's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ode to the end Chaunte just called me to tell me they weren't coming to WY. I'm surprised by my reaction, I'm much sadder than I thought I would be. But today has been such an emotional day, this is the third time I have cried. I think I cried because it is always sad to leave a chapter, especially one that you really loved. It is inevitable that things will be different when you come back to it, in my experience you can never really come back. Kind of like moving away from home, it will never ever quite feel like home again the way it did when you lived there. So although I tell myself, "Oh Provo will still be here when I get back..." "Provo" as I see it won't. My unrealistic feelings say that this means I'm a friend of convenience, that when it doesn't require too much effort to be there then they'll be there, but logically I realize that coming to hear me "speak" is not something to weigh the value of my friendships on. It wasn't really that though, it was something more emotional, it wasn't about my farewell, it's the reason that we all went over to Jordan's house the night before he left, to spend as much time with him as possible, to really let it sink in and be real. I feel like that opportunity was cut off. But then I'm a contradiction because I write about how it got too overwhelming to say goodbye, how it's easier to slip away. Well in a way it is, in a way it isn't. It's always nice to leave knowing that the people you love, love you back too, and it's nice to clarify that before you leave for such a long period of time. I am sad that I was able to slip away so quietly, this childish want inside of me hoped that it'd be a great departure, promises from loved ones that it wouldn't be the same without me. I cried today when I was talking to my little brother. Who will he call at midnight to talk? Who will listen to him and validate his feelings, and then assure him he can make good choices and he'll know what to do? So there it all is, here is why I can't stop crying tonight because I'm finally facing the reality that I have to let go of a lot of things I've been clutching to my chest calling precious and hoping that I'll be seen as such. Everytime I have left somewhere I have cried and wished to go back---leaving Rexburg to China, I sobbed, on my way to China, I sobbed, leaving Rexburg again, I sobbed, going to Russia, I sobbed...each of those times always wishing I could desperately go back. And then ending up not being able to imagine how my life would be if I HADN'T moved on and done those things. Everytime I've left when I didn't want to I end up grateful for it and finding even better things. 9:47 p.m. - 2005-07-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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