lovaliss's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I get this sick feeling inside sometimes for no reason I sometimes get this feeling inside. It starts in my stomache and kind of spreads up into my esophagus until I think I can feel this invisible sickness in my mouth. It is this feeling that makes me feel like a disgusting, horrible person...and somehow it relates to my physical body, and even more in depth to my sexuality. I can feel it at anytime, anywhere, for no seeming reason. I have not yet ever identified a trigger. My earliest memory of this feeling was when I was in fourth grade. That particular day I was wearing a turqoise body suit with hot pink flowers. I wondered if this was why...if I shouldn't have worn it because what if it was too tight. I was eight years old. Who thinks about that as an eight year old? But it was during quiet reading time...the sink was yellow. It is this encompassing feeling that I want to escape but never can because it's coming from inside. I always try to wash it away with water. The second I feel the feeling I get up and drink as much as I can...but it never does anything. It doesn't make it go away. After a couple of minutes the feeling passes and that's that. I haven't felt this feeling for a long time, but today at church, during sacrament meeting I felt it. I wanted to get up and guzzle water...even though I know it doesn't do anything. I just sat there until it was gone. I want to understand what it is and where it comes from and how to make it go away...I've never mentioned it until now. 10:36 p.m. - 2005-07-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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