lovaliss's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sharon's story There is a woman named Sharon that I contribute to saving my soul. Sharon Morgan. She's a writer, my old professor, and someone I would consider of my closest friends. She and her twin sister left home, Rigby, Idaho, when they were 16, it was the late 60's. They went to San Francisco where they did drugs, free love, and the whole hipster scene. When she got to the Golden Gate bridge She had an illigitimate child. Her identical twin sister Karen overdosed on a "speed ball". She cannot stand her mom. She came back to the church after some missionaries found her. She let them come inside the first time so that she could tell them all the reasons they were wrong. Rejoining the church was one of the hardest things she ever did. Her lifestyle of excess had ruined her body and any self-control, it was so hard for her to stop everything. She never graduated high school and that's a secret, but scored so high on her SAT's that BYU let her in. She always says, "You think acid is bad? Try going to BYU with an illigitimate child...that's a trip." She said that she was in search of truth, just like the rest of the hipsters...they wanted truth. She never wanted it to be her childhood faith, or her mother's faith. She prayed: "Dear Heavenly Father, I want to know the truth (please don't let it be the Mormon church) but I really want to know and need to know (I hope it's not the Mormon church) and that's all I've been looking for this whole time, and so if it is true (please don't let it be true) but if it is true, can you please help me know..." She felt it was true and that was that. She cannot stand Relief Society even after all these years, she still doesn't get polygamy, and she is so stubborn and conceited sometimes and I think that's half the problem. But I love her, and I've never known anybody that tries so hard and follows through with the Lord's will than her. She said once, "Sin is a complete waste of my time. I've done everything there is to do and now I'm on a straight path back to the Lord, that's where I want to be, and I'll get there." She got married to a man named Randy. They had two other kids besides her son she already had. They were married in the temple. He shot himself in the head one day without any epxlanation. No one knows why. She remarried 8 years later to a man named James. They were married for 10 years when he decided he couldn't take it anymore, he left the divorce papers on the counter when she came home from a trip to Mexico. Her son Beau decided he was gay. Her daughter Megan just got out of prison for drugs and lives in a half way house in Salt Lake. Her oldest son she had with her hippie lover hates her. And her ex-husband James just got remarried to another English professor at BYU-Idaho and just had their first baby. He's never been happier. I met Sharon just after her and James divorced. James was my poetry teacher that summer and he always made sarcastic comments about her aimed at me...I sometimes practically lived at Sharon's house that summer. I got a "D" in poetry...actually I pulled a 1.7 GPA, that was my last semster of college. She saved me at a time in my life when I was ready to go on a hiatus of my own, I didn't need to take it because she had already taken it along with anything you could ever imagine. She told me to get out of my own way and let myself move on...she sat me down in her office and said, "Are you going to let yourself get in the way of you and God!! Are you going to let your physical weakness win your spirit? You're wasting your time, I promise, you will only be half of what you're capable of being if you don't let God in your life." Because Sharon knew what she was talking about, it got to me. I left Rexburg after that...in fact I'd dare say I fled...to Russia. Not because of Isaac, but because I couldn't seem to figure out what version of myself I wanted to be...I kept putting us through the stupidest stuff and it was getting ridiculous. I had to seperate myself to find out what I really wanted and who I wanted to be. Things are bad with Sharon right now. She has stopped responding to anyone but Beau and Megan...she said she doesn't have the energy. I feel angry at her. I want to grab her and say, "Listen to me Sharon, you have not come this far to give up and wallow in your physical illness and shitty life...you have made it through more than any person I know and you're not going to stop now, so get off that couch, get out of your bed, wash your damn hair and start living again and find the happiness in your life and the blessings the Lord is giving to you because you're not done yet." She told me she wasn't feeling well on the phone a while ago. Then she said, "I hope it's cancer." I told her to knock it off. I am angry because I constantly see my loved ones and friends die to the advesary. I am so SICK of being disappoitned in the ones I love, and I am SO SO SO tired of having hope that individuals are going to make it through and then more often than not they don't. I am tired of investing time into helping people only to watch them throw it away to their weakness...it seems it is a rare case when I feel joy because I have a friend that has stood true. And that hurts. A close friend of mine that was in Russia with me is going in front of the disciplinary council for a third time this next week...I'd like to think she's gonna make it this time, but I don't think she is strong enough, how many times will this happen...how many times will I get this call from her than instills hope in me, only to be deflaited some months later. We don't realize how much our decisions affect others, cliche and stupid, but I am serious, if we only cared about our choices or our own lives the way we do about those we love. I am exhausted. I'm sure I'll find hope again, this is just a temporary moment of hopeplessness, and I wanted to vent. 6:17 p.m. - 2005-06-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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