lovaliss's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- lortab...no you dn't In my personal defense of Meg's entry, I wasn't high on lortab, nor was I pretending it had an intense affect on me...in fact I had half of one so I'd fall asleep through my roommates loudness in the mornings. DON'T THINK I'M A DRUG ADDICT! I'M NOT! That voice was a fake dramatic voice and I'm not at all mad except for paranoid that people will tell me I'm not ready or worthy to go on a mission. In fact I'm paranoid about that a lot. In fact I'm supposed to go through the temple next Saturday. No matter how much good I do in the world or how absolutely worhty I am, I will always think I'm not worthy enough. And no it's not because I haven't 'truly" repented for all of my past sins...it's because for whatever reason I've always believed I was the bad kid...the black sheep...the ba ba baooo booo, that's what I told my bishop when I was 8 and having my baptismal interview...he asked me something and in response I said in all seriousness, "I'm the bad kid." I also told him in repsonse to his question of if I would keep the commandments, "How should I know, I can't see the future..." Smart kid. The thing is I seriously have never really done anything that wrong. But my perceptoin of myself is that I'm the devil. I've never been drunk however I have tasted all kinds of different alcohol just to satisfy my curiousty of what they tasted like, but I always spit it out and rinsed my mouth out. I've never swallowed alcohol before. I've never smoked a cigerette before even though I sometimes pretend like I'm smoking them and dream about them. And I've never done any other drugs either, unless you want to count that half a lortab I took last night...or the Nyquil I would take sometimes when I was too depressed to stay awake when I was 16...but never any real drugs. I've had my fair share of "oops" with the opposite sex, but never with the same sex, even though I could have if I wanted to and maybe even would have if I didn't believe so strongly in Christian values. My sexual status is full of "technicalities" and for the most part I've always tried to fix whatever I've done wrong. So therefore I don't know why I think I'm so horrible or was so horrible growing up. But that's always an insecurity. It's at the root of a lot of things. I pick relationships that aren't so good because I've trained myself to be attracted to the type of things that will explode in my face. I wonder if there will ever be a time in my life where I believe I am really really squared away with the Lord and with the people around me and that I deserve good things in my life. Probably, but only after I'm an old women and I've desperately tried to make up for all the things I think I've done wrong in my life...after I cancel them out with good things I will do for humanity. I think it's interesting how different personalities worry abotu different things. I bet some people rarely think about this kind of stuff. 5:50 p.m. - 2005-05-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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