lovaliss's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -If there's not a God...then now what? Today as I drove down State Street I looked at the mountains. I thought about God and what I would do if there weren't a God. I don't think I'd care about living. The thoughts of "what if the church isn't true..." were running through my mind again, followed with what I would do differently were I to come to that conclusion. I'm not even close to coming to that conclusion because more things factor into that. I thought about how if it's not true my life would be meaningless. I thought about all the people that think it's not true. I thought about all the people that think it's true. I thought about death in pertitance to the Gospel. If the Gospel isn't true then my brother will die all over again to me...it would mean we might exist after death, but who could know? I can't feel that death all over again. When I think of all these things I don't really feel it shake me up much...they're all just throughts and for the most part they feel empty...like un-truth. I keep going through this every day. I wake up believing, I doubt throughout the day...I end up begging to know before I go to sleep...and I get the feeling that I know...until I wake up the next day and start studying again. But like I said, if the Gospel isn't true, then my life is pointless... I'm not willing to give that up. I'm still turning my papers in on Sunday. I'm hoping that all of this is just expected complications for a pre-missionary and that it's going to ease up once I get through this...maybe it's a trial of my faith. If I weren't going on a mission and all the expectations that come with it I would have to say that I would probaby be going through a huge reconstruction process to get to the heart of what I want...maybe including trying everything I've never wanted before just to compare the difference. There's a beautiful Asian girl sitting across from me, she is on MySpace...she has a lot of dirty friends on her profile...they like to post "sexy" pictures. 6:28 p.m. - 2005-04-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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