lovaliss's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -sexually attractiveness complex Yesterday I decided the church was true again. Everything inside of me seemed to settle down and I felt excited about going on a mission. And then... Today I started getting obsessed with whether I was sexually attractive or not. My highschool boyfriend starting dating and then started having sex with my friend 3 months after we broke up. I think that affected me more than I realized at first. I spent the next 2 years getting over him. But when you're that young and everything is ten times more emotional...it leaves a "mark". (Imagine a large Southern man rocking in his chair on his front porch saying that last comment.) The highschool debacle made me so angry...I was crazy that year after...seriously, I was crazy. I identified most with a 1961 film "Splendor In the Grass" (which was set in the late 20's) if you've ever seen this you'd think the girl was ridiculous, but I'd watch that movie and cry because I felt just like her. She ends up in a mental ward where she finds out she loves to paint and befriends a man she ends up marrying because she loves him in that quiet way that I imagine you find when you're more realistic than I was then and am now. I used to just drink cough syrup and sleep all the time so I would forget about it. I look at J now and he reminds me of what I went through in high school...except I never went as far as to get a bloody heart tatoo dripping down my left ribs. I also have suffered from some isanity with the Isaac situation. That is the truth. I wonder how I can prove my sexiness to myself without looking slutty or being slutty... 11:15 p.m. - 2005-04-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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