lovaliss's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why I'm nomadic, next, young death wishes. Today I am still thinking about how I am leaving soon. I also realized I have been in Provo longer than I have been anywhere else in the last three years. There are two parts to this. One part says that I should have left sooner at my six month mark like everywhere else. The other part says, aren't you glad you stayed here, you never would have found all this if you left. I remember though why I started leaving. It's easy to leave somewhere you have no attachments. Six months time period is hardly enough for attachment. Even more so it's hard to leave when you do have attachments because everything will be different when you come back. Cliche, I know. I started leaving because it hurt to come back somewhere you once loved and realize it doesn't love you back anymore. Funny how places can do such a humanistic thing. Or maybe it is the humans inside the places. I don't just leave places. I always seem to leave people. I'm always the one leaving, never to be left. That's what people do who are afraid of being left alone. It sounds like I must live an empty life. A life wrapped in fear. I don't think I do at all--live an empty life that is. I love a lot. That's what makes my life so full. I've been here too long. Isaac and I used to talk about (and still do talk on occasion late at night) where we'll go next. It's essential to find somebody with such a commitment to non-commitment. Someone who doesn't mind living in six-month incriments, and in fact finds it more comforting and appealing than a set way of life. I figure one of these days something will stop me from wanting to start over every six months. It's nice when you have company though. I missed Isaac today. Probably because the weather was so nice. Those two statements seem disconnected but they're not. It makes perfect sense. Jon and I got into a strong disagreement about aging a while back. I hate the idea and thought of it. He says it's beautiful. Jon says everything is beautiful though. I think he really believes that. I don't believe that. I think the word "beautiful" is put in place of the word "poignant" a lot. Most things in the world are deeply moving if you concentrate hard enough to feel it. I'm sticking to my guns. I have a young death wish. I'd also like my death to be sort of comical and high-publicity. At my funeral I want a black choir to sing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" if that's the accurate title, even if it's not you know what I'm talking about. I want the black choir because I am Mormon and from WY. It has nothing to do with me. I just love the thought of it. If you really know me it would make perfect sense, and you'd laugh. You'd laugh at my funeral seeing a black choir shoutin'. It's that element of shock or surprise that I love to inflict on life. A sort of wonderfully confusing bewilderment. That's fun. 6:44 p.m. - 2005-03-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||