lovaliss's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I can't tell if people are really certain they have all of this figured out and that they never doubt themselves or their intentions or their happiness or their misery or if they are just repressing all the not knowing because of how uncomfortable it feels. Sometimes I feel like people try to play off uncertainty like it's a trait of the immature, I think this is a big fat lie to their self. And it will catch up with them in their midlife crisis when they begin to wonder again what it all means, if their life was well-lived, if they were indeed happy, and if they would in fact do it all the same again. Chances are most people would not do it the same again, but they tell themselves they would to avoid being depressed as fuck that they lost years they can never get back. Also, I am a coward. And also, I felt so sad at my graduation. I had a melt down the night before when I accidently ironed a whole in my gown, I threw it down and crying said I didn't even want to do this. Then I sat down and cried more because I missed my brother and I realized that's why I was blowing up--it's just times like this that his absence is highlighted--that I grief for the life we never got. This is why I never want to get married, I don't want to have to go through the motions of doing all the celebrations that just make me sad when they're supposed to make me happy. Someone gave me some flowers on graduation day that were the same flowers at his funeral--I tried not to feel sad, but just tell myself it was okay to remember him and it was a good way to incorporate him and how the loss of him has led the path that I even chose to pursue in higher education, but I still felt sad. I held back tears at the ceremony and told myself not to think about it. All of my pictures give it away though I think--I have this Cheshire grin with sad eyes. I don't know how to hide it, but I didn't mention it to anyone in my family, I constantly try not to upset them, I feel like I can't. So I just keep it all in mostly. Only to the detriment of making me a dysfunctional adult. Something's gotta give--I'm just trying to figure out how to let it give. 7:46 p.m. - 2012-05-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||