lovaliss's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I realize. Fact: I have sabotaged every relationship I have ever been in because deep down I feared loss and felt suspicious of anyone's love for me--I felt certain it was only temporary until circumstances beyond our control came crashing in and they'd realize they didn't have the energy or the heart to love me and leave anyway. I have been a coward. Still am a coward. I only allowed myself to have relationships that I could perceive would self-destruct on their own. This makes me feel sad. It always made me feel sad. I often felt sad to lose people I genuinely loved but didn't feel brave enough to allow to love me. I felt envious of the women that came after me because they were brave enough to let someone love them, but on the other hand I always thought deep down inside they were just too stupid or too arrogant and thus foolish enough to believe that another human being's professed love meant permanence--because I saw what happened when tragedy struck and loved ones became too consumed with their own grief to manage the effort to love me. I realize I'm using past-tense as if it's something in the past, but it's not. I've still been doing it now. As soon as things are good in my relationship I go looking for ways to stir it up. Usually I do this through snooping and looking for evidence why he must not really love me and how this evidence proves I am not trying to sabotage it because I'm a coward but trying to sabotage it because I am sly and one step ahead of the game. I don't want to play anymore. I just want to be brave. Even if it means loss. I'm tired of being Loss' bitch. So after spending 3 hours awake trying to hack his Facebook because we are doing really well right now, and because I'm showing real affection and intimacy, and because I'm allowing myself to be fucking normal and not assume that every moment he's deceiving me about my reality, I sat down and had a talk with me. I said, "Do you want to have genuine relationships or do you want to be a coward? Either way it results in loss and pain so do you want to be brave and risk loss, or do you want to keep going through this on repeat, the same old song and dance... And what if you do lose someone you love in the end after exerting the courage to be brave? You will survive, you always have. You will be sad, yes, and it might trip you up for a while, but then you'd carry on. I've only ever seen you carry on--even when you believe you never will--it happens without meaning for it to happen. You can't control loss, or when it strikes. You can't control how, if, or for how long someone loves you--asking for forever is asking in bad faith--just be in it right now, because you want to be and because they want to be. If he cheats or leaves or you finally invest your whole emotional self and he leaves, well then he will have left, and there's nothing you could do about it, but 'what if's' are cheap, and it's the 'what if's' that allow you to indulge in cowardice while convincing yourself you are smarter than everyone else to avoid the truth of the matter. Then you decide right here right now to be in this no matter if he leaves or stops loving you or goes away or dies? Yes, I do. Do you commit to be in this because you refuse to repeat the same old patterns as you always have, even though you know the risk is potential loss? Yes, I do. Do you commit to not snoop, or hack his accounts, or try to steal his phone while he is asleep and read through his text messages and look up his call list? Yes, I do, I think I do, I think I do, I want to think I do, I think I want to say I do, but when I think of finding some juicy detail or evidence I didn't know about it fills me with a thought of satisfaction. Is it truly satisfying to be right that human beings will always fail you and that loved ones will love conditionally as long as they are emotionally capable of loving ocnditionally? No, it is not satisfying enough to be right, and in fact I think I am often wrong, though I still believe sometimes that that is more right than not. Good enough. Is this your final answer--do you commit to be let things be as they will and as they are without sabotaging on purpos--though we both know you might do it subconsciously and lie to yourself about it to hide the truth, nevertheless, do you agree to be brave from here on out in the best way you know how, which is a better way than you've been doing. Yes, I do. Then let it be." He may be cheating, because anyone could be, he may be flirting, because anyone could be, he may be looking around, because anyone could be, but I can't control it if he is, all I can do is let it be. If it happens, it happens, and this doesn't have to mean something about me--which is always has been--it has always meant that it is proof I am not worth being loved. I feel insecure just now when I think of posting this. I feel ashamed, I feel like someone will read this though I have no idea who because Diaryland is abandoned save a few secret posters, but for some reason I feel silly saying all of this, like I am putting on a dramatic performance, like I'm pretending my life is really serious and important and everyone else should take me all serious and important. A part of me doesn't take myself seriously in all of this, a part of me does. I still feel insecure someone should read this, and for that reason alone I'm forcing myself to post it, just decided it, case close, "reveal your shame--it is part of what it feels like to be human" is what my brave part is saying. I still feel kind of pathetic. But this is how I practice just feeling without labeling or creating stories about what it means. My sister said the other day, "Do you think people ever look at us and think...or see that we are still single because we got messed up over all the stuff that happened?" I said, "I think it is obvious to everyone." 5:10 a.m. - 2012-03-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||