lovaliss's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I watch them kiss "She's weird about alot of things..." This puts me at ease for a minute. I go inside so I'm not just standing there with them. They don't come in. I look out his window and see him standing with his arms wrapped around her. They're kissing. This is the first time I have ever seen him with someone else. Although I have told my mind over and over again, and even thought I was okay with it all...to the point of telling myself, "If he found a cool girl...I think I could be friends with her and him." Now I'm laughing at myself because of my pathetic human nature: jealousy. I know I'm smarter, cooler, and ten times more interesting than her...I'm not just being conceited...I'm serious...she's nice but vacant...but still... It's his girlfriend. What do I expect? Even if he still has feelings for me I'm leaving for a year and a half and he's been dating her for a while now. Her and her illigitmate child that now has a bottle of baby food in his fridge. I start watching The Corporate...I see her playing with her bangs and looking around. She doesn't get it and isn't interested in the slightest. He says, "We're going to go get something to eat for her and come back." "Ok." They walk out the door and I turn to my little brother and say, "I saw him kissing her...I've never seen this before, it makes me feel sick to my stomach, I can't believe I care...I didn't think I would...I'm an idiot. He's an idiot!!!! 'she's weird' but now I'll smooch her." I sit here in his apartment while he is getting something to eat with the girl and feel like I'll go crazy any second. We leave. I buy water and start to drive. The Microphones blast and I feel the way you do when music hits you right in the gut. Then the tears come. I drive and cry and drink water in between all of that. My little brother just sits next to me and I'm glad he's here. It's my turn to cry to him now. He calls and asks where I went...I say, "Oh just to get some water and gas...then my sister called me so I've been talking to her." He says he was worried when he came back and my car was gone...he felt bad. I feel bad that I just shrug it off and refuse to say anything. As much as I pride myself on being a good communicater, I hate communicating when it's hard, when there's a lot to say and it puts you in a vulnerable position. I hate that. My wallet is missing. My debit card. My driver's liscence. My temple recommend. Great. I leave again and he gestures that he wants to go with me, I look at him then rudely look at the girl on the couch as if to say, "Yeah, and what will you do with her..." Once I'm in the car I feel like a jerk for looking at him like that. I feel sad. So I cry more. Now I'm typing this while they lay on the couch. I've got to leave. I have to go home tomorrow...I didn't think I would care like this, but I do, and it's my problem...I came to see him one last time before I leave on my mission because as much as you hope it won't, everything changes and I'm afraid these are my last times with him. But she's here on his couch, cuddling with him. I don't hate her. Surprising. I just feel... frustrated at myself. And like shit. 12:36 a.m. - 2005-07-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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