lovaliss's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -middle aged woman Yesterday a middle-aged mom came in for a haircut. She kept telling me how stressed she was...she has three boys who are out of control...she never thought she'd be fat her mom says of all the kids she never thought she'd be the chubby one...her hormones are freaking out...she swore she showered that morning but you wouldn't be able to tell...the doctor was supposed to call today to figure out what was wrong with her... she kept checking her phone and kind of whimpering at it...wanting it to ring. she used to wear her hair cute...really short...not now...look at her face...you never know what will happen...you always think you'll never be like this...and then you are...and she gets up at six to work out every morning...her husband was bugging her last night and she was like...give me a break I have to wake up early...even when I'm in the shower I think I'm alone for a few minutes and before you know it the door is open and those boys are playing tag running through both doors...I don't know what's happening...why am I like this...I never thought I'd be like this...my hair used to be straight now it's curly... there are two acne-faced lovers in the library who keep wrapping themselves around one another... back to the woman. I listened in silence and thought, "I cannot relate to this at all...in fact you're scaring me because this is exactly what I don't want to hear..." She is everything I hope I never am. Disatisfied with family life...disatisfied with children...exhausted and fat and stressed out and maybe addicted to pain killers or something. Here we were two faces in the mirror...mine young and hopeful and swearing I'll never be mundane and normal... Hers saying, "Look my life is reality...you think I planned on this!?" We make eye contact in the mirror. It seems that everybody has fear of relationships nowadays (is that one word?) Were our parents like this? Why is our generation like this...we're all commitment phobes...we're all too scared to be in relationships. I come up with ridiculous reasons to break it off with people...I focus on one thing until it drives me insane and I cannot stand the person to touch me anymore...I focus on one thing I can't stand in the first place and can never get myself to like them romantically to begin with... All of these things keep me safe. If I weren't so ridiculous then I'd be in a position to fall in love and get married. But I can't stand the thought of it. Maybe I can't stand the thought of it without Isaac. It's almost been two years now...this is getting ridiculous. Who ever knew I could be so loyal or commited. I can commit to something for years like this but can't commit to new things. But I feel sad when I see people move on past me and find happiness with someone else, don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, but it's proof then that it's not them but me...and I might think I'm ahead by breaking it off and seemingly leaving them when they want me...naturally they stop wanting me and I realize I'm the one that lost. I'm sorry for whoever is reading this crap...it's so stupid to write, I can't write anything good anymore. But I get to leave for a year and a half and forget about all of that stuff. Things are going so good in that aspect (spiritual). I wake up and study for 2 hours, when I get home around 5ish I usually study more, then I go out and get home around midnight...I'll read a little more. I crave it, I miss it while I'm away for the day. I love it. If anybody wants to talk about Gospel stuff I love talking about...I'll start going on and on and on about things if you want to...I got Max and Chaunte to listen to me the other night for a little while. I think it's safe to say I'll be a weirdo when I come back from my mission. 7:15 p.m. - 2005-05-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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